Scarred for Life
by Aiffe
Summary: Ever feel like Kohaku gets passed around like a bong at a frat party? Does underage shipping scare and entice you? [Kohaku x Kikyou, Kohaku x Sango, Kohaku x Kagura, PARODY] The oneshot that scars you back!


**A/N:** I'm going to steal Quirky's disclaimer here: If you take this story seriously, you are an idiot.

-

Her silken hands explored his body in ways that were wrong and—okay, still wrong—as she bent to whisper sad promises in his ear. "I'll never forget you, I can't help you to live as I once could have, but I can give you what meager happiness it is in my power to offer."

Kohaku was touched. Mostly in the literal sense. "I think I have a tummyache," he said weakly.

"Is it like a fire in your belly?" Kikyou asked, intrigued. "You naughty boy…."

"Well," Kohaku said, not wanting to upset her, "a little, but more like I'm just nauseous."

"Poor baby, I know something perfect for that," Kikyou said, undoing his armor.

-

"What are _you_ doing back here?" Kanna asked.

Kohaku looked around furtively. "Is Naraku around?"

Kanna sighed. "You can't keep trying to kill him, then showing up back here every time you need brain bleach."

"Huh?" Kohaku said vacantly. "I've been here before? Kill who?"

Kanna rolled her eyes. "Forget I spoke."

"…Did you say something?"

"That way," Kanna said, pointing resignedly toward Naraku's quarters.

-

Kohaku walked resolutely down the familiar hall. It might not be easy convincing Naraku to—

"Gyah! Kagura!" Kohaku exclaimed. "I thought you were… I mean, I've thought this over, and I think tickling there counts as bad touching, even if you just use the feather."

"Eh? Kagura who?" the bored-looking figure replied.

"Oh, you're new," Kohaku said. "Sorry, but it's not like Naraku's big on interior lighting."

"He does it to hide the fact that he's colorblind," Byakuya said, his lip curling in distaste. "You don't want to see this place in good lighting. That shade of blue with _that_ shade of red? You've got to be kidding me." Byakuya paused, considering. "What are you here for, anyway? Do I have to fight you?"

"Oh, no, not at all," Kohaku rushed to say. "I just needed to see Naraku about… well, see, there's this woman…" Kohaku played with his fingers anxiously.

"Oho. Does she like you?"

"Yes, but that's—"

"Say no more. I know much more about seduction than that sociopath in the next room does. You should start by giving her flowers." With that, he reached behind his back and produced a bouquet, which he handed to Kohaku. "Tell her you like her. Tell her she's pretty."

Kohaku sighed. "Are you _sure_ I couldn't just see the sociopath in the next room?"

"Nonsense. Run along, young one."

"Now for the girl I like," Byakuya sighed, playing with a blossom. "Sesshoumaru. If you turned out to be a lesbian, it would just break my heart…"

-

"Oh, Kohaku, flowers? You didn't have to!"

"They're not for you," Kohaku said somewhat defensively. "They're for my sister."

"What a dutiful little boy!" Kikyou said, near tears. "You deserve so much more than this. So, so much more." Guilt-ridden, Kikyou began stroking Kohaku's chest.

"Um…" Kohaku said, "you're going to have to take my shard out soon, right?"

"Yes, unfortunately. Oh, how I wish things could be different!" she moaned, her toes creeping up his thigh.

"I like that plan," Kohaku said. "Let's do it soon."

"How could you be so brave and self-sacrificing!" Kikyou wailed. That was the final straw. In a fit of guilty and sympathetic passion, she threw Kohaku down on the ground.

-

"Flowers for you, Aneue," Kohaku said, looking rather rumpled and sweaty.

"Oh, they're… lovely," Sango said, taking the crushed specimens as if they were treasures. "Kohaku, you're wounded!" she said, suddenly noticing a mark on his neck.

Batting away his hands, Sango inspected the hickey. "This looks like the mark of the Winding Youkai Skinsucker," Sango said in all seriousness. "It's not poisonous, but it should be treated like any wound to avoid infection." She pulled the trusty old shell of medicine out from under her armor, and began smearing it on his 'injury.'

"Say, Aneue," Kohaku said, casting around for something to talk about, "That's an oyster shell, isn't it?"

Sango nodded. "Spanish Fly in an oyster shell, same as always."

"You wouldn't happen to have anything for… mental scarring in there, would you?" Kohaku asked hopefully.

"I don't know," Sango said slowly, loosening her armor under the pretense of looking for medicine. She paused to inspect the medicine on his neck, and nibbled her little brother's ear. "I'm sure I could think of _something_."

As her hands began undoing his clothing, Kohaku tried, not for the last time, to reach the shard embedded in his back.

Who's ever heard of the 'Winding Youkai Skinsucker' anyway? Sure, Sango.


End file.
